- 1 - Pilot: look to the north. keep looking. there's nothing coming from the south.
- 2 - Glow Cloud: men are from mars, women are from venus, earth is a hallucination, podcasts are dreams.
- 3 - Station Management: there's a special place in hell. it's really hip. very exclusive.
- 4 - PTA Meeting: what has four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three legs in the evening? I don't know, but I trapped it in my bedroom. send help.
- 5 - The Shape in Grove Park: a million dollars isn't cool. you know what's cool? a basilisk.
- 6 - The Drawbridge: lost? confused? lacking direction? need to find a purpose in your life?
- 7 - History Week: it must be 3:23pm somewhere. maybe space?
- 8 - The Lights in Radon Canyon: we are living in an immaterial world (a ghost world) and I am an immaterial girl (a ghost).
- 9 - "Pyramid": "nice bolo tie!" is the greatest compliment a person can ever receive.
- 10 - Feral Dogs: eating meat is a difficult moral decision because it's stolen, that meat. you should apologize.
- 11 - Wheat & Wheat By-Products: today is the last day of your life, up to this point.
- 12 - The Candidate: does the carpet match the drapes? no, it doesn't. you're the worst interior decorator. please leave my home.
- 13 - A Story About You.: I'd never join a PEN15 club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
- 14 - The Man in the Tan Jacket: biologically speaking, we are all people made up of smaller people.
- 15 - Street Cleaning Day: one incorporeal being said to the other "I'm not here to(o)... make friends."
- 16 - The Phone Call: if I said you had a beautiful body would it even matter because we are so insignificant in this vast, incomprehensible universe?
- 17 - Valentine: Werner Herzog is the most interesting person.
- 18 - The Traveler: find more ways to work "plinth" into daily conversation.
- 19a - The Sandstorm: step one) write down the names of everyone you know. step two) rearrange the letters. step three) this will reveal a great secret of time.
- 19b - The Sandstorm: step one) separate your lips. step two) use facial muscles to pull back corners of your mouth. step three) widen your eyes. this is how to be happy.
- 20 - Poetry Week: pain is just weakness leaving the body, and then being replaced by pain. lots of pain.
- 21 - A Memory of Europe: ask your doctor if right is left for you.
- 22 - The Whispering Forest: if you love someone, set them free. set them free now. this is the police and we have your surrounded.
- 23 - Eternal Scouts: mommas, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys. show them pictures of cows when they're young, and administer brief electrical shocks.
- 24 - The Mayor: the most dangerous game is man. the most entertaining game is broadway puppyball. the most weird game is esoteric bear.
- 25 - One Year Later: fun game - say "toy boat" over and over. do it for the rest of your life. retreat from society and live on alms. whisper "toy boat" as you die.
- 26 - Faceless Old Woman: the human soul weighs 21 grams, smells like grilled vegetables, looks like a wrinkles tartan quilt, and sounds like bridge traffic.
- 27 - First Date: production oversight by Torey Malatia, who is holding a small locket. he's not speaking; he'd just like for you to touch the locket. his hand is twisted. his skin is forming into scales. just touch it once. just once, ok?
- 28 - Summer Reading Program: a bar walks into a bar. the bartender is a snake eating its own tail. the windows look out only onto the face of the once who looks.
- 29 - Subway: your body is a temple - a temple of blood rituals and pagan tributes. a lost temple. a temple that needs more calcium. you should maybe try vitamin supplements.
- 30 - Dana: look to the sky. you will not find answers there, but you will certainly see what everyone is screaming about.
- 31 - A Blinking Light Up on the Mountain: throw your hands in the air, now your arms. keep detaching limbs and throwing them in the air. hopefully the birds will be sated and leave.
- 32 - Yellow Helicopters: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never quite describe the pain.
- 33 - Cassette: you can lead a horse to water, and you can lead a horse into water, and you can swim around with the horse and have fun.
- 34 - A Beautiful Dream: thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. we are not accepting applications at this time. please try again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again...
- 35 - Lazy Day: on this day in history - mundanity and terror and food and love and trees.
- 36 - Missing: look! up in the sky! it's a bird! it's a plane! no. it's just the void. infinite and indifferent. we are so small, so very very small.
- 37 - The Auction: listen, I'm not a hero. the real heroes are the people that point out to us what protestors have smartphones, thus invalidating all concerns.
- 38 - Orange Grove: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single command from a satellite-activated mind control chip.
- 39 - The Woman from Italy: your Bitcoin address is your middle name followed by the name of your first pet and the first street you lived on.
- 40 - The Deft Bowman: you can't get blood from a turnip. listen, you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. there's a lot of blood.
- 41 - WALK: please move your brain so we can get to the drugs, and stop leaving it there - we've talked about this.
- 42 - Numbers: ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn't a sandwich. everything is a sandwich.
- 43 - Visitor: you won't sleep when you're dead either.
- 44 - Cookies: at your smallest components you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.
- 45 - A Story About Them: knock knock. who's there? orange? orange who? orange you glad I didn't say "your mother's in the hospital"? I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. is there anything I can do? listen, I'll drive you over there! we'll leave right now. grab a coat, it's a little cold out! I'm so sorry.
- 46 - Parade Day: if you love something, set it free. if it starts flying around and chirping, it was probably a bird.
- 47 - Company Picnic: there's a difference between your, you're, and yarn. yarn isn't even pronounced the same way! it's a completely different word.
- 48 - Renovations: feeling lost? like you have no goal in life? like you're covered in dirt and wet leaves? like you're an earthworm? are you an earthworm? kinda sounds like you're an earthworm, actually.
- 49 - Old Oak Doors: wonderwall is the only 90s song visible from space.
- 50 - Capital Campaign: soccer is also commonly known as football, canadian baseball, american football, violent jogging, and world war 2.
- 51 - Rumbling: everything that happens, happens for a reason. except ostriches. what the hell, man?
- 52 - The Retirement of Pamela Winchell: most people think pitbulls are dangerous dogs, but biologically speaking most pitbulls are just 3 shih tzus wearing a trench coat.
- 53 - The September Monologues: *static* *beeping and louder static*
- 54 - A Carnival Comes to Town: say what you will about dance, but language is a limited form of expression.
- 55 - The University of What It Is: language will evolve, irregardless of your attempt to literally lock it away in a secluded tower. obvs.
- 56 - Homecoming: I've got more rhymes than the bible's got psalms - a hundred and fifty one. I've got a hundred and fifty one rhymes.
On my way home from work, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat.
I have a $50 bill and a $2 bill. I figure with the $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not have to worry about irritating anyone for trying to break a $50 bill.
Me: ‘Hi, I’d like one seven-layer burrito please, to go.’ Server: ‘That’ll be $1.04. Eat in?’
Me: ‘No, it’s to go.’ At this point, I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind of funny.
Server: ‘Uh, hang on a sec, I’ll be right back.’ He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within my earshot.
The following conversation occurs between the two of them:
Server: ‘Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?’
Manager: ‘No. A what?’
Server: ‘A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me…’
Manager: ‘Ask for something else. There’s no such thing as a $2 bill.’
Server: ‘Yeah, thought so.’
He comes back to me and says, ‘We don’t take these.
Do you have anything else?’
Me: ‘Just this fifty. You don’t take $2 bills? Why?
Server: ‘I don’t know.’
Me: ‘See here where it says legal tender?’
Me: ‘So, why won’t you take it?’
Server: ‘Well, hang on a sec.’
He goes back to his manager, who has been watching me like I’m a shoplifter, and says to him, ‘He says I have to take it.’
Manager: ‘Doesn’t he have anything else?’
Server: ‘Yeah, a fifty. I’ll get it and you can open the safe and get change.
Manager: ‘I’m not opening the safe with him in here.’
Server: ‘What should I do?’
Manager: ‘Tell him to come back later when he has real money.’
Server: ‘I can’t tell him that! You tell him.’
Manager: ‘Just tell him.’
Server: ‘No way! This is weird. I’m going in back.
The manager approaches me and says, ‘I’m sorry, but we don’t take big bills this time of night.’
Me: ‘It’s only seven o’clock! Well then, here’s a two dollar bill.’
Manager: ‘We don’t take those, either.’
Me: ‘Why not?’
Manager: ‘I think you know why.’
Me: ‘No really, tell me why.’
Manager ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’
Me: ‘Excuse me?’
Manager: ‘Please leave before I call mall security.’
Me: ‘What on earth for?’
Manager: ‘Please, sir..’
Me: ‘Uh, go ahead, call them.’
Manager: ‘Would you please just leave?’
Manager: ‘Fine — have it your way then.’
Me: ‘Hey, that’s Burger King, isn’t it?’
At this point, he backs away from me and calls mall security on the phone around the corner. I have two people staring at me from the dining area, and I begin laughing out loud, just for effect.
A few minutes later this 45-year-oldish guy comes in.
Guard: ‘Yeah, Mike, what’s up?’
Manager (whispering): ‘This guy is trying to give me some (pause) funny money.’
Guard: ‘No kidding! What?’
Manager: ‘Get this. A two dollar bill.’
Guard (incredulous): ‘Why would a guy fake a two dollar bill?’
Manager: ‘I don’t know. He’s kinda weird. He says the only other thing he has is a fifty.’
Guard: ‘Oh, so the fifty’s fake!’
Manager: ‘No, the two dollar bill is.’
Guard: ‘Why would he fake a two dollar bill?’
Manager : ‘I don’t know! Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?’
Security Guard walks over to me and……
Guard: ‘Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you’re trying to use.’
Me: ‘Uh, no.’
Guard: ‘Lemme see ‘em.’
Guard: ‘Do you want me to get the cops in here?’
At this point I’m ready to say, ‘Sure, please!’ but I want to eat, so I say, ‘I’m just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this two dollar bill. I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I’m taking a swing at him. He takes the bill turns it over a few times in his hands, and he says,
Guard: ‘Hey, Mike, what’s wrong with this bill?’
Manager: ‘It’s fake.’
Guard: ‘It doesn’t look fake to me.’
Manager: ‘But it’s a two dollar bill.’
Guard: ‘Yeah? ‘
Manager: ‘Well, there’s no such thing, is there?’
The security guard and I both look at him like he’s an idiot and it dawns on the guy that he has no clue and is an idiot. So, it turns out that my burrito was free, and he threw in a small drink and some of those cinnamon thingies, too.
Made me want to get a whole stack of two dollar bills just to see what happens when I try to buy stuff.
My friend in Japanese just said
“Coffee is the poops” instead of the shit and i’m fucking dying
raise ur hand if ur hot and u wanna make out
I am seriously so broken
I don’t even remember why things are sent to me i’m so sorry
Thank you thoughhh!
I AM NOT YA BIG BUTT
CAN WE TAKE A SECOND TO APPRECIATE AN ACTUAL LINE FROM A FALL OUT BOY SONG:
“Anything you say can and will be held against you so only say my name”
IF YOU DON’T THINK THAT’S SMOOTH AS FUCK YOU CAN GET OUT OF MY FACE CAUSE THAT’S A SWEET-ASS PICKUP LINE
today i sprained my foot in the worse way possible. i slipped on a yugioh card in my room (a bunch actually since i was sorting them). this is it. yugioh will be the death of me
update: it turns out i didn’t twist/sprain my foot. we went to the nurses and i had fractured it appparently. duel monsters broke my foot. yugioh broke my foot. yugioh ruined my life (here’s a picture of the cast)
Somehow playing a card game has caused me to become severely injured.
it takes ten seconds to tag something and forty five minutes to hours to calm down from a panic attack. think about that for a second
and totally feel comfortable enough to ask me to tag something that bothers you bc there are so many things that trigger people that i wouldn’t even think about and i’m sorry if i do that but let me know!
Please tell me if you need something tagged. Please please please. I will without any hesitation.